A couple of weeks ago I started being bombarded with thoughts of my family members dying. It wasn't fun at all. And I couldn't stop them. Well eventually I freaked out because I suddenly just realized, everyone I know could die today. Theres just as much a chance that they'll die this instant than any other instant. We never know. I've always had a problem when it came to not knowing. I freak out when I don't know stuff. And so it started to really bother me. And it still is bothering me. I can't get my mind off of death.

And then Wednesday night I died.

No for real. In a very real(but not real) sense, I came as close to dying Wednesday night than I ever will, apart from dying.

If this doesn't make sense, which I'm sure it doesn't, let me explain.

Wednesday night it snowed. The snow made me very happy. But that's irrelevant.

Wednesday night I had a dream. I can say without a doubt that it is one of the top five worst experiences I've ever had in my life. So here it is.

It started at a restaurant. I talked with people. The most important part was that everyone was there. Then I was in a room. I don't know why, by my Algebra teacher was also in the room. We talked, and then all of the sudden, the lights went black, and she was gone. In her place was a floating cell phone. I was terrified at this point. The cell phone moved around some, then stop, and it stared at me. The cell phone didn't stare at me, it stared at me. I don't know what it was, or how I knew it was staring at me. But it was. Then it started talking to me. In my head. I don't remember what it was saying, but it wasn't happy. Next, I appeared outside, in front of a building. There was someone in the building, and I was ecstatic. Then I looked far out to my right, and standing in these dark woods was one of my teachers just staring at me. I ran towards him, and as I was running towards him, he walked behind a tree. When I ran around the tree, he was gone. Nowhere to be found. I ran back to the building and the person inside was gone too. At this point the dream became very lucid. I searched for people everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I searched the sewers, I searched houses, I searched buildings. At this point I finally realized that everyone was gone, and that I was alone in the world. It's a hellish feeling really. I always thought it might be interesting to be the last person on Earth. Well It's not. It's awful. And I can say that from experience(you'll see how). At this point, since it was lucid, I began to wonder whether I might be dreaming. So I started to try and wake up. It didn't work. I willed myself to wake up. I commanded myself to wake up. I tried everything to wake myself up. And I wasn't waking up. I was horrified. I must not be dreaming I concluded. And then I realized.

I was dead.

I've tried to look back and think of a time where I was more sad. And I don't really think I have one. It's truly indescribably. I was alone. Forever. In darkness. Dead.

What made it worse, was up until that point, I had believed I would go to Heaven, being a Christian. Well, I wasn't in Heaven. I was nowhere. I was just dead. I was so convinced I was dead in fact, that I came to the conclusion that Christianity was wrong. Never in my life have I completely renounced my faith. I've had my doubts sure, but never have I said, "this is wrong, I'm no longer a Christian."

So back to the dream. I'm walking the streets alone, and I get a call on my cell phone. I answer, and the person says: "I'm three quarters of a mile away. I'm coming for you. I'm coming to kill you." At first I was kind of scared, but then I said: "I don't care. I'm already dead anyways." I walked around some more until a car come driving towards me on the road. My mom of all people got out, pulled out a gun, and shot me at least 10 times. I felt the bullet hit me. But I felt no pain. And no, I didn't die either. In fact, I didn't feel any different. I looked down at my chest, and I was bleeding like crazy. I felt the wounds, and my blood was ice cold. Then I had evidence. If I was alive, my blood would be warm, and I would have died. I was absolutely, positively, dead forever.

Then I woke up.

This dream has really affected me. I'm struggling with reality. I sometimes feel like I'm going mentally insane. Everything that happened in that dream was so real. But it wasn't. It was a dream. I can't grasp how this is possible. I really am not sure what to do.

Maybe this is all a dream.